Wednesday, October 16, 2013

To all the boys I've loved before.......




Most of you teenagers may not know where my title is coming from, but some of the parents and grandparents do! One of Keith's favorite singers Willie Nelson sang that song "To all the girls I've loved before" which was originally sung by Albert Hammond. It's a song of a man reminiscing about all the women he has loved in his life. I heard it on the radio the other day and it got me to thinking about the guys that I dated in my life before Keith. My history of dating could only be described as "The good, the bad, and the ugly".

 

Growing up there are the different phases girls and guys go through. When we are younger we are "going together". Which I always heard parents say "And where are you going?" I remember my first official boyfriend. It was in 3rd grade, during the summer at the swimming pool. He asked me to "go with him" and I said yes. A couple of weeks later at the pool he sent a friend over to break up with me. I don't think it phased me too much since the only time we ever saw each other was at the pool. Then we grow into the "talking" phase. This hits about 7th grade. Oddly enough the same boy that asked me to "go with him" was the first boy I "talked" to. It lasted a little longer the 2nd time with sitting by each other at lunch, talking on the phone at night and hanging out on Friday nights at the HS football game. I think we "talked" for a couple of months and then we broke up. He later ended up being one of my closest friends through High School. Going into High School we have the "in between" phase. This is a little tricky, it's not as assuring as "going together" or "talking" because High School relationships start with flirting at the locker or hanging out in class. Then you talk on the phone a couple of times and text each other. Then you might hang out with a group of friends for a few weeks and THEN you might have a one on one date. This is where the hard part comes in. When do you become a couple? You never know and really you never talk about it. I think people just hang out until the first person has the nerve to call the other their boy or girlfriend. I know things are a little different today than they were when I was in HS because now you can make it "Facebook" official so that the other person knows! :)  As we get into college the dating phase moves with us, but here again I think it is much more complicated. I went on several dates with a guy when I was a freshman in college. He would come hang out at my apartment and I would go hang out with him and his friends a lot, we talked on the phone all the time, and of course kissed. This went on for about 6 weeks and one night at a concert I bumped into him on a date with someone else. I was crushed, but he told a mutual friend "we were just friends."



I am not going to tell you that you shouldn't date and that you should wait for God to "bring you the one." I think dating can be a wonderful thing. And not necessarily from a romantic perspective. Sure there are A LOT of jerks out there. Let me say it again. There are A LOT of jerks out there, but there are also A LOT of good guys out there. I think dating is one of those instances in life that we live and learn. What I want to talk to you about though is:

 Who are you dating? Why are you dating? And what do you expect to get out of it?

I know lots of Christian women tell you to keep your eye out for "the one" and "don't date someone unless you consider marrying them". And while those are good points, I think sometimes we confuse the meaning of "the one". I don't think God chooses one guy and intertwines your paths so that you absolutely positively end up with each other. I think God knows the one you are going to choose to spend your life with. There's a difference and therefore I don't think you need to be focused on "the one". I think you need to decide now what kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think you should pray for God to send you a man like that and then through your High School, college and young adult life seek out men that have the qualities you have been praying for.

I am thankful for the guys that impacted my life through dating because each one made me into the person I am today. That boy that dumped me at the pool became one of my closest friends in life and taught me how to love a friend. There isn't a memory in High School that doesn't have him in it and for that I am thankful! To the boy that hid our relationship,  that took advantage of my liking him so much and that treated me unkind unless he wanted something. He taught me that I am worth more than he said I was. I learned that liking someone can make you a little crazy sometimes and that I want to make sure my daughter doesn't do the same. To the first boy I ever loved, the one that promised me the world and then took it out from under me by having other girlfriends over a year of our year and a half relationship, I learned God's love. I learned persistence. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pray to God that he was the one and time after time God told me no. I learned the value of unanswered prayers and that God's plan is always greater than the one we have for ourselves. To the boy that walked into my life after I had decided to give up on guys altogether, he taught me friendship through a dating relationship. He taught me to believe in guys that love the Lord. He taught me that there are those guys out there and that I do deserve a "good guy". He was not "the one", but through him I learned what I was looking for in "the one" which led me to my "one". He was a wonderful friend to Keith and I both and ended up being a groomsman in our wedding and not long after found the love of his life. I am incredibly thankful for him and the role he played in my life and for his precious wife that makes him so happy! They are both still such special friends to us!

If I could tell you anything that I learned from dating it would be this.



 Know your worth. Date and don't rule anyone out. That guy that may not seem your type may be exactly what you are looking for. Decide what you are looking for and then find it. Don't consume yourself with finding "the one". And if there are periods in your life where you aren't dating, take that time to focus on yourself. Focus on your qualities and your worth. Don't allow someone else to determine that for you. God set your worth when he sent his son to die on the cross for you and you don't need to let any guy decide you are less than that.




 Have guy friends. You need them. They are the one's that will look out for you. I am so incredibly thankful for the guy friends I have had in life. My best guy friend in High School and college was my saving grace. For a long time he was the only one that didn't disappoint me. And he was a big football player so he was able to protect me from a lot of those jerks we were talking about earlier. He made me feel worthy. He was the one that told me the truth about the other guys! Guys are much less dramatic than girls! When I was at Magnolia Bible College, being one of the few girls there I had the opportunity to have some incredible guy friends that I love so much! ;)


 Don't compromise your beliefs. If you have to tell a guy no more than once on ANYTHING (not just sex) then you need to walk away. A guy that isn't willing to respect your beliefs isn't worth your time. I don't think you have to ask yourself "would I marry him?", but ask yourself "would I marry someone like him?" If the answer is no then why waste your time? I don't think at 17 you should be consider marrying a specific person, but I think you should consider marrying a type of person.

Don't depend on a guy to make you feel special. This is the most important. I know for me if a guy liked me I felt like I was special and worth something. And that is SO NOT the place we need to be looking for those things. We need to be turning to our heavenly Father to make us feel those things. A guy that makes us feel that way is just icing on the cake. Our heavenly Father is the one that can make us feel like the princess we are because he will always make us feel that way. Even if you do find a guy that makes you feel that way, he will disappoint you. Of course he will because he is human. Humans will disappoint us and we can't expect that they won't. God will never disappoint us. He will always be there for us and do what is best for us. That doesn't mean that there won't be hardships in our life or that your heart won't get broken, but God will mend our heart and will do what's best for us.

I'm sure that your parents are praying for your future husband or wife and I think they should. I am already praying for whomever my children choose to spend their life with. Until then enjoy life's lessons and use them to better yourself. Learn early those that you need to walk away from and those that will enrich your life. They will all teach you something, the question is WHAT WILL IT BE?


Tuesday, October 15, 2013

You are Fearfully and Wonderfully made........










I hear a lot of talk about bullying. Have we ever really stopped and thought about what kind of effect it has on other's self worth? These days you hear talk of cyber bullying, videoing bullying for YouTube, it's all about hurt and humiliation. Let's be honest, kids will be mean sometimes, but bullying has gone to  a whole different level these days.



 
Bullying is seeking out whom we can devour......



I've never watched the movie Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan, but have heard that it depicts a little bit of what can go on in a bullying relationship. That's what it is. A relationship. A bully looks for a person or people that they can degrade to make themselves feel better. Powerful. They prey on those they know will cower because they themselves are afraid. And bullying can happen at any age. True it is very present in our Jr. high and High schools, but they aren't the only ones. You find children dropping out of school, cutting and even committing suicide because of what they endure when they go to school or are around friends. Now it goes even further though because of the internet. Cyber bullying has become incredibly popular.

So what do we do? How do we know it's happening? What can be done?

First off let's begin teaching our children not to be the bully. Children learn from their parents how to treat other people. When we lived in OK there was a boy that went to school with my oldest. She would come home and say that he bullied her and several other kids at school. Come to find out we were told his mother would tell him to be mean to kids whose parents she didn't like. I don't think she didn't like me, we didn't know each other well and were friendly when we saw each other, but I think this child had been told for several years to be mean to kids his mom had an agenda with that eventually it became easier for him to be mean to lots of kids. We need to make sure that we are teaching our children to love everyone. To treat everyone with kindness and compassion. I know it is very easy for kids to look at someone different whether they be mentally handicap, physically handicap, live an alternative lifestyle or maybe a different ethnicity than we are and kids want to bully them. As parents we need to teach our children that even if someone is different from us, we are to love and cherish them.




How do we spot bullying?

I think it depends on the age. I think bullying begins around upper elementary school. This is when kids are old enough to get that they can feel power. This is around 3rd or 4th grade you begin to see the "Mean" mentality. I do believe that there are children that can develop it earlier, but for the most part I think it starts about this stage. Kids are bullied for the clothes they wear, the car they drive, the life they choose to live, etc.  The bully has little or no control over their own life so they seek out someone that they can control. If they demean someone, call them names and make them feel bad they are in essence controlling someone else's feelings. This is a crucial stage for us to make sure that our children know how much we love them and how much God loves them. We can't protect them from what happens when they are not with us, but we can prepare them for what happens when they are not with us. Does your child understand their worth? Do they know that they are without a doubt the most valuable and miraculous thing you have ever done? Do they know that no matter what you will always love them and be there for them? Do you shower them with kisses and hugs and love each and every day? How often do you tell them about their heavenly Father? What he did for them? How priceless he thinks they are? I believe this is so important because a child that goes into the world knowing that they are a child of God's and that they are priceless will know how to protect themselves from a bully. Children that don't know these things are the one's that will most likely allow the bullying to have a long lasting effect.

In this day and age though bullying doesn't just happen on the playground. I love Facebook. I used to be the facebook queen, but I have withdrawn from facebook quite a bit over the last couple of years, I still like to post pictures and statuses and tag myself places, but not nearly as much as I used to. And I will be honest one of the biggest reasons is because of facebook drama. Have you ever noticed the bullies on Facebook? My daughter keeps asking me when she will be able to have a facebook account and I have told her on many occasions if I have my way not till she is 18 and no longer a child. Let's be honest for a minute. Kids have a hard time with maturity and knowing what to do on the internet. Now obviously you are supposed to be 13 to have a facebook account. If a parent thinks their child is mature enough to handle it at that age then who am I to tell you how to raise your child? I think if you do decide to let them have one at this point it should be closely monitored by you the parent. CLOSELY MONITORED. I believe until a child is 18 you have every right to be ALL UP IN THEIR BUSINESS! Now if a child is not 13 they have NO BUSINESS being on facebook. Sorry, I know it's the popular thing to do, I know we don't like to tell our kids no, but sometimes we have to decide to be the bad guy and say no. 1. Facebook doesn't allow you to set up an account if you tell them you were born after 2001. If a child is not 13 and has a facebook account either they have done it and you don't know about it, you have given your child permission to lie or you lied for them. If your child secretly has a facebook account then you need to be investigating. If you allowed them to lie or you did it for them then what kind of example is this setting for your child? It's ok to lie so that you can do something popular?
 2. the younger a child is exposed to social media and the internet the easier it will be for them to be bullied or see things on the internet they should not be seeing.




I see internet bullies everyday. People will say bad things about other people on their statuses without saying their name. People will say mean things to other people on their wall. I am sorry, but that is bullying. When you say or do something intentionally to make another person feel bad you are bullying. Teenagers AND adults do it. Why would you want to expose your child to that any younger than you have to? And for those that say "I can't control what my teenager does"..... we need to talk. You can control what your teenager does and you should. And if they get out of control then you need to get the control back. And if that means that their uncontrollable ways cause them to loose their computer, their phone, their car, OR their social life then so be it. The only thing your child is entitled to from you is a pair of clean clothes, a toothbrush and 3 square meals a day. Other than that everything else is a luxery. Am I sounding harsh? Well here's the reality folks, this generation is one of entitlement. Whether they are given everything they ask for or they have nothing at all we have taught this generation a sense of entitlement and we need to take it back. And this is why so many stories come out about bullying. Entitlement is about control and control is about power. When we teach our kids to be respectful and compassionate to others we teach them to be upstanding adults.

 
Kids won't tell you when they are being bullied so as parents we have to make sure we know what's going on to protect them. I don't mean stalk them or over protect them, I'm saying know what's going on in their life. Keep them from being bullied in your home and on your computer by knowing what they are doing. Kids, understand that it is your parents responsibility to know where you are and what you are doing because it is their job to make sure you make it through this life. And you are NOT an adult until you are 18 no matter how old you feel. The real world is tough. The real world is not so much fun if you aren't ready for it. So enjoy having your parents protect you, enjoy living in their home by their rules and enjoy being a kid because there will be days when you are older you will wish all that responsibility wasn't on you.

So what are you worthWho determines your worth?



Well I believe we are PRICELESS. God, the creator of the universe and our heavenly Father gave up his son to die on the cross for our sins. Wow, think about it. He knows everything about you, he knows the number of hairs on your head, he knew your name before your parents decided on it. Parents, are you teaching your children their worth? Are you teaching them that no matter what others say or do to them that they are worth more than silver and gold? Kids are you prepared to walk into a lair of a bully and walk away without it affecting your self worth? I am not saying their words won't hurt you or that you won't be frustrated or sad, but will you know that when they say those things it's not really about you, but about them. They want power, control, they want to feel better about themselves. You are just the unlucky one to be in the path of their hunt. And when you walk away will you know that their opinion doesn't matter? Will you decide that in the end no matter what they say or do your heavenly Father thinks you are priceless?

What worth are you putting on yourself?